I awoke to my alarm buzzing @ 4 am this morning, I lay in bed having no ambition to get up
reason
#1- it's so early
#2-dreading that the day included a baby shower for a friend
So I forced myself out of bed, prepared & packed lunches for my men & started baking my goodies that I committed to bring to the shower. It hit me hard & I wondered "how will I make it through this event" my heart feels like it has been ripped out of me, my soul aches with such pain & I feel so empty inside of me due to the baby I yearned for so badly had been lifted away from us.With these feeling weighing so heavy on my mind I opened my kitchen window to watch the dark light turn into day light. I stood & listened to the birds whistle who nest in my grapefruit tree as I mixed ingredients for my muffins.
So I forced myself out of bed, prepared & packed lunches for my men & started baking my goodies that I committed to bring to the shower. It hit me hard & I wondered "how will I make it through this event" my heart feels like it has been ripped out of me, my soul aches with such pain & I feel so empty inside of me due to the baby I yearned for so badly had been lifted away from us.With these feeling weighing so heavy on my mind I opened my kitchen window to watch the dark light turn into day light. I stood & listened to the birds whistle who nest in my grapefruit tree as I mixed ingredients for my muffins.
At this moment my thoughts were interrupted & Jeff's Grandma Mildred who passed away last year came to mind as I found myself using her baking utensils that I took from her home. Memories brushed my mind as she would have celebrated a birthday yesterday. It was then that I pondered if there is anyone person who believed in the power of prayer it was Mildred. I stopped what I was doing & said out loud
"Mildred if you can hear me, today is going to be extra rough please shower me with a blessing from above and may it pour down over me & give me strength to be emotionally strong". It was then when my mind replayed my goodbye to Jeff. Jeff kissed me goodbye this morning, looked into my eyes & said "honey keep your chin up, call me if you need to talk or just call me anyway, I am here for you & I love you" and kissed me again. I looked to the pretty white & pink blooms that fill my flower garden, stood tall & said "I can do this". Thank you Jeff for being the WIND BENEATH MY WINGS........
Pre-pregnancy I lost 40 pounds & was feeling great. I was lucky to have only gained 10 pounds in my almost 5 months of pregnancy and here is yet another struggle for me. I am having such a hard time jumping back on the band wagon. As I felt that I could have stuck my head into the bowl of cookie dough I prepared this morning and the smell as they baked in the oven made my mouth water. Now don't those look delish?
I have had zero desire to workout. I know what I have do and how hard I worked to loose the weight. What is wrong with me, where is my will? Where is my ambition? As I walked down the hallway I stopped and peaked in on Dylan snuggled under his covers sleeping ever so soundly, during the moment I hoped he was having a sweet dream. He looked so peaceful. I got into the shower with tears in my eyes feeling sad for different reasons. I thought strongly how I would like to loose more weight, I miss feeling so good, making smart food choices & sweating my butt off working out. So I had this vision of how the conversation would go if I were to share my current feelings to my little man Dylan (I would not do this though way to much pressure for a 5 yr old to have to endure) I feel his words would be:
Mom everything will be okay, tomorrow is a new day & I love you to the moon and back with him giving me a big hug & kiss. So having that scene flash through my mind as the hot shower water ran down my face I stood tall and said I can beat this, I can do this, & TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY......
GOSH I LOVE THIS BOY!!!!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you ever so much for the men in my life and the love they give to me!
xoxo, Erin
3 comments:
If there was ever a strong woman Erin...it is you! Grandmom is smiling down proud from heaven!
Much love, Kelly
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say “A Mother has a baby
This we know is true”
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave- it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom.
Oh my... Tears for a beautiful prayer that touch a full heart and wash it free. That was heaven sent just for you Erin. Love Mum
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