.: April 2009

I awoke to my alarm buzzing @ 4 am this morning, I lay in bed having no ambition to get up

reason

#1- it's so early

#2-dreading that the day included a baby shower for a friend

So I forced myself out of bed, prepared & packed lunches for my men & started baking my goodies that I committed to bring to the shower. It hit me hard & I wondered "how will I make it through this event" my heart feels like it has been ripped out of me, my soul aches with such pain & I feel so empty inside of me due to the baby I yearned for so badly had been lifted away from us.With these feeling weighing so heavy on my mind I opened my kitchen window to watch the dark light turn into day light. I stood & listened to the birds whistle who nest in my grapefruit tree as I mixed ingredients for my muffins.

At this moment my thoughts were interrupted & Jeff's Grandma Mildred who passed away last year came to mind as I found myself using her baking utensils that I took from her home. Memories brushed my mind as she would have celebrated a birthday yesterday. It was then that I pondered if there is anyone person who believed in the power of prayer it was Mildred. I stopped what I was doing & said out loud

"Mildred if you can hear me, today is going to be extra rough please shower me with a blessing from above and may it pour down over me & give me strength to be emotionally strong". It was then when my mind replayed my goodbye to Jeff. Jeff kissed me goodbye this morning, looked into my eyes & said "honey keep your chin up, call me if you need to talk or just call me anyway, I am here for you & I love you" and kissed me again. I looked to the pretty white & pink blooms that fill my flower garden, stood tall & said "I can do this". Thank you Jeff for being the WIND BENEATH MY WINGS........

Pre-pregnancy I lost 40 pounds & was feeling great. I was lucky to have only gained 10 pounds in my almost 5 months of pregnancy and here is yet another struggle for me. I am having such a hard time jumping back on the band wagon. As I felt that I could have stuck my head into the bowl of cookie dough I prepared this morning and the smell as they baked in the oven made my mouth water. Now don't those look delish?

I have had zero desire to workout. I know what I have do and how hard I worked to loose the weight. What is wrong with me, where is my will? Where is my ambition? As I walked down the hallway I stopped and peaked in on Dylan snuggled under his covers sleeping ever so soundly, during the moment I hoped he was having a sweet dream. He looked so peaceful. I got into the shower with tears in my eyes feeling sad for different reasons. I thought strongly how I would like to loose more weight, I miss feeling so good, making smart food choices & sweating my butt off working out. So I had this vision of how the conversation would go if I were to share my current feelings to my little man Dylan (I would not do this though way to much pressure for a 5 yr old to have to endure) I feel his words would be:

Mom everything will be okay, tomorrow is a new day & I love you to the moon and back with him giving me a big hug & kiss. So having that scene flash through my mind as the hot shower water ran down my face I stood tall and said I can beat this, I can do this, & TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY......

GOSH I LOVE THIS BOY!!!!

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you ever so much for the men in my life and the love they give to me!

xoxo, Erin

Dylan was so excited to have his cousin Michael sleep over just before Easter. They had lots of fun playing together. We did an egg hunt & the boys loved eating mushy chocolate. We all had fun coloring eggs. After the egg clean up we loaded up a bowl full of popcorn, grabbed some drinks and watched Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory in our tent out in the backyard. The boy's really digged this idea. We snuggled as the wind blew some drifted to dream land and well me I watched my favorite movie to the bitter end. Jeff & I carried the boy's asleep to their beds and called it a good night.

We enjoyed Easter dinner at the Sisco's (my sister Maura's home). The company was fun as always & the dinner was delish. We enjoyed Leg of Lamb w/corn flake potatoes, broccoli rice casserole, asparagus and my home made broccoli bread muffins. Desert was my task, first time ever I attempted a bunny cake & it Rocked. See for yourself it is pictured down below. I started out slow, Jeff joined in & we got creative. Dylan had fun mastering his new bubbles w/some help from his Nana G. Our Easter will go down in the books as GREAT!